I want this to be one of those positive pieces. I want say things like "Girl, you're enough" and "You don't need a man to be happy" and "Drink water, do your squats and flourish" but I am honestly not there. At least, not tonight.
On Friday, I saw a short film about a woman who had been raped and later on, as a doctor, saved her rapist's life. When he regained consciousness, she asked him why he'd raped her. He didn't answer. Throughout the movie, the woman abused pills and was tempted to cut herself, too. Her rapist was presented as a man dressed in full black, laughing and repeating the words "You know you want to" in the background, as she popped pills and struggled against slicing her wrists. He'd said those words to her the night he'd raped her in his dorm at university.
Maybe I've been a bit triggered.
Maybe I haven't been able to escape my own shadow since watching the woman who was unable to shake hers.
Maybe I want to swallow pills and draw some blood again.
Maybe I wish someone would hold me and help me escape this feeling of never being enough by letting me be enough for them.
Maybe since that night years ago, I haven't really felt like a whole person. But I'm also really really tired of feeling that something has been stripped away.
If I met him ever again, maybe I'd skip over asking "why?" and instead demand that he return what he stole.
But he can't so maybe this 'almost' version of myself is the one I'll forever have to live with.